Week's Eats

After having one of "those" days with the I asked DJ to drive me to Wal Mart so we could have some private time. On the way home we were turning onto the street and getting ready to make the travel up the hill to our house. At the four way stop we encountered this.

Bear with me. I had to fight like a bear with DJ to go home and get my camera and then take me back down the hill to get a picture and then I had to take it while the car was moving, and it was in the DARK, but if you squint and look at the arrows (thanks Heather for the editing!) you will see the eyes and the legs of a real live "Working Girl". The shiny blob is the streetlight she was standing under.

Now Robin, you silly girl, why are taking a picture of this? You might ask.

Well the thing is. I think she is lost. She is nowhere NEAR downtown. She is right smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood. On a Wednesday night. DJ knows who she is from his line of work, and yes, she is a "Professional". We got home, unloaded our groceries, fought about whether or not to go back and take a picture, found the camera used on https://www.jasminlive.mobi, robbed batteries to put in the camera and drove back down there and she was STILL there. In that time she could have walked to down town and gotten herself more business.

What is even creepier? When we drove back to take the picture, it was obviously the second time she had seen our car, SHE STARTED WALKING TOWARDS IT!

I felt so bad for her choice of location that I told DJ not to turn her in. I think he still has to though.

Ahhh.... Life in a small town.......


I'm sick. I have a cold and as has happened on many occasions for me, it's also affecting my legs because almost any cold virus settles into my joints and muscles. I don't know why, I just know that this time is particularly bad and as a result, I went to bed at 11 last night after watching a movie and proceeded to toss and turn unti 4 am.

By then I couldn't take lying awake in pain anymore so I got up to put some pain rub stuff on my legs but Hayley woke up too. George took her out to the living room and pulled out the sofa bed because the fumes from my stuff were really strong. According to George, she never did go back to sleep so he only managed to snooze for a minute here and there.

Meanwhile, between the stuff on my legs and the Tylenol that I downed, the pain subsided to a dull roar and I was able to fall asleep but I kept jerking awake because I kept expecting him to bring Hayley back in. In the end I slept no more than an hour all night, and that was broken.

George left at 6:40 this morning and I decided Hayley and I may as well just get up rather than try to go back to sleep at that point. We both held on until about 10:30 and then we both napped for a bit. I slept until 11:30 and then Hayley woke up by 12:30.

We were both just lying on the hall floor playing cars and she looked at me and said, "I tired Mommy. I tired." Hayley NEVER said she was tired before and has only just recently started admitting to being tired if you ask her. I think it demonstrates our utter exhaustion if she's announcing it to me like that.

I can't wait for bed time. I am so flippin' tired. I got more sleep than that when Hayley was a newborn. Gah.

I also can't wait for George to come home with some Halls for my throat. I wish I could take NyQuil and just pass out for eight hours watching shows in chaturbate rooms.


Apparently Hayley and I need to work on the concept of whispering. We went to the library today and she was so LOUD. I picked out some books for myself and then I said we were going to go get her some books and she started shouting, "ANIMALS! PIG! COW! ANIMALS!"

Once I managed to get her to be a little more quiet we went and picked out various stories about animals as well as a few others. I was happy that she wasn't shouting anymore and then she spotted two boys. They were whispering and giggling excitedly about whatever it is that 8-year-old boys whisper and giggle about and Hayley looked at them and ROARED like a LION at them. I swear it echoed.

She also started hollering "Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat!" while dancing and started singing "We will rock you" while banging the accompanying rhythm on a step stool. Jeez.

Luckily it's not really the sort of library where you see a lot of people studying and whatnot. It's pretty family-oriented and no one gave us dirty looks or anything. Still, I think whispering is a good habit for her to learn.


Man, BMG must be really pissed that someone let out a song that was never supposed to be released. The new Canadian Idol single "Awake in a Dream" was recorded a few weeks ago so that no matter who won, it would be ready to start playing on the radio this morning.

Not only did Kalan and Theresa both record it, but Jacob did too, since it was done before he was eliminated last week.

And you know, although I thought "God, that song would never have worked for Jacob!" when I first heard it on Wednesday night, I must say that now that I uh, *cough* have a copy of it on my hard drive, Jacob did that song amazingly well, even if it isn't really his style. Like I said, he oculd sing anything.

(I mention this because I can guess at least one person *cough*Cindy*cough* reading this who would maybe like to hear it.)

Just to clear things up for a couple of people who are confused by one of my posts from www.jasminelive.online, I'm not talking about MY site being a cesspool of bullshit. I love my own website and am certainly not pulling it down or anything.

I'm referring to a message board that I used to love and that I used to put a lot of time, effort, and enjoyment into. Unfortunately, politics took precedence over things like old friendships and many people are re-thinking things, including me.

Just so you know that I'm not talking about my own little corner of the 'net.


All right. I have been working on this a couple days and didn't want to publish it until I had a chance to process it with Deena. We talked about it this afternoon, so here it is.

MJ came to me Saturday night and confessed some bad behavior. Nothing major, but something that she knew better than to do. She was sobbing, and the fact that she chose to come to me proved that she was indeed sorry. Had she not confessed I never would have caught it. When I asked her when it started she told me it didn't start until after Beth (My aunt, who was like a grandparent to the ) died. She feels she is an entirely different person than she was before Beth died. So I asked her why...

Finally. Finally after 14 months, and at least 10 months of some of this really being a problem the truth is out.

"Mom, if I wouldn't have been so selfish and wanted that game so badly she wouldn't have brought it over that night and had the accident. It's my fault she's dead." She was crying buckets of tears, tortured, like I wasn't going to love her anymore, like she had done something wrong, MJ told what has been bothering since April 4, 2003.

She blames herself.

My God that just breaks my heart. She feels that if Beth hadn't come to the house to bring her Easter gift early that she wouldn't have died in the car accident on the way home.

14 months. She has been struggling with this and blaming herself and carrying this. All the negative fallout in extended family conflict, moving, the stress she saw her dad and I go through with the executorship and she blamed herself for every bit of it.

It is just no wonder we have had the struggles of the last few months and it all comes into a shocking and crystal clear perspective now.

We had a long talk about how it wasn't her fault. We talked about how Beth was not the type to ever hold on to a gift. She could never wait to give it to you. We talked about how Aunt Cindy from SLC was visiting that weekend and she drove Beth nuts and Beth found any excuse she could to get out of there. And then we talked about how when it all comes down to it, it was Bethie's day to die. April 4 was simply her last day.

That was the hardest for her. I sat her down with her bible and read her Psalm 139. Pointing out the verse, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God is the Author of LIFE, He decides when it begins, and when it ends. Oh honey, it had nothing to do with you. You have got to wrap your head and your heart around that one simple fact.

As I have painful experience with losing a loved one at a young age I also had the advantage of passing on to her some of the lessons I have learned the hard way. NEVER EVER LIVE IN REGRET FOR WHAT YOU DID OR DIDN'T SAY. They are gone, you cannot change it. And you cannot live the rest of your life being sorry for something you cannot change. You can only purpose to treat those in your life you still have with you how you would have treated the person you lost.

After I got her put to bed I went in and laid on DJ's shoulder and alternatley cried and yelled, and then finally resorted to talking. We decided to try putting her on some St. Johns Wort and 5-HTP for a mood elevating, depression fighting effect. She just has enough to deal with right now without needing to fight her body too and her little liver doesn't need to process pharmeceutical anti-depressants either. We are discussing some family grief counseling if it seems things are still not improving after this revelation. But we are leary as a bad counselor can do just as much damage as the original offense. We have a good foundation. We will pull through. She will be okay. But damn. I hate every bit of this. I hate that she hurts and that I can't change it. I hate that no matter what we did in those first few crucial hours moments and days after the accident that she still ended up blaming herself. We told the at the very beginning that it was nobodies fault. We kept the lines of communication open. I constantly asked how they were doing with all of this. I even read stupid books on helping your with grief. And yet no matter what happens this still becomes a point of demarcation in her life. The complete antithesis of what I wanted for HER. I didn't WANT HER to struggle through what I struggled through with losing my mom. I wanted it to be different for MY DAUGHTER. I spent all my life preparing my for my untimely passing (a classic trait of someone who has lost a parent at a young age) yet I failed to prepare them for the loss of anyone else. And when it happened I was so determined to check every box and make sure I covered EVERY BASE, to leave no stone unturned. I wasn't leaving them to work things out for themselves the way I was left to do with my mothers death. We would talk, and cry and go to the cemetary with balloons and write notes to Beth and THE WOULD BE OK BECAUSE DJ AND I WERE ON TOP OF THINGS.

I feel like I failed them.

Deena, of course, had a different insight and spent time today reminding of what DJ and I have managed to do right. That is one of the reasons I love and cherish her so much. At my lowest of lows she is reminding me that I am not such a scumbag after all.

I would give anything to return to the days of potty training and teething being our biggest problems.